Everyone has an idea coming out of their ass, usually it is several but how to convert it from the ether to reality is the real difference between a doer and a dreamer. Everyone is a dreamer, no matter who they are or where they come from but doing requires putting the time, energy and skin in the game, otherwise it is nothing but talk. That has been my problem in recent years, I have moved sideways out of a paralysis of choice on the direction to take.
I can’t say that I still don’t look behind me to wonder what could I have done, where I could be if, if, if but those thoughts are dimming as I see the possibilities ahead. I can no longer do what I have done, that my friends is over. I stopped looking for a job because I didn’t feel good enough but I have come to believe that a job is only one option out of 2 that I am drawn to.
The other is to travel, who hasn’t wanted to get up and go out there sometimes. I put a red line in the sand, saying if nothing happens by early November then I would be off in the new year to places I have never seen or experienced. I am not at the line yet, but it inches closer with each day, with each moment.
I had to set the line, if I didn’t I would not have the courage to go through with it. Do I want a job? Yes but in this market, I can’t rely on it. I want to write, and to that I have to write each day. I have a few story ideas I am sorting, one left on the back burner and another cresting into the sky to give light to the black. I also have to take my writing more seriously, more professionally. That is hard after believing for so long that I wasn’t capable.
At a point you start believing that because you are not working, you have no value, you are no good. That erodes confidence and ends up becoming a cycle unto itself that can plunge you deeper into the dark if you are not careful. I have been there, I am just starting my climb out of the shadow to find what I believe is possible.
What should I do, what must I do are questions I am asking myself. I will carry my hopes in the wind, with all the others that seek the blue water, ancient structures, and cultures that make the world a gem. I seek stability, a sense that my feel are firmly planted on solid ground, that will not give with a simple shift in movement.
No matter what happens everything is about to change completely, and that is exciting. A job will allow to plant roots, while travelling will see me soar or fall. There is no in-between, inspiration in each is different and travel will be complex as I try to figure out how to write when out among the world. Not that its hard but there is so much to distract and inspire.
A job now would be about getting deep into a company and maybe help them to meet their goals and build my own skills for whatever may come. The challenge is professional, navigating politics, working with others and building a body of work that will craft your professional life.
2 paths, 2 doors, 2 earthquakes waiting to be set off. It all rests on the red line I drew, November 1st one of the other. I made it so that I have no choice, that there is no going back to where I am today. This is ending, moving sideways is over, it is onwards forward to a horizon I still can not see but one that I feel. Is this the right question, it is because it is hard, it is because it changes everything, it is because it will force me out of my comfort zone.
That is how I know it really wasn’t a choice but a necessity. So let’s see what the red line brings.