As a child we are told that all things are possible, as a teenager we learn that roadblocks are challenges to overcome, as an adult you are told to get real and give up on those dreams, don’t dream big, be realistic not idealistic.
I got to the point where my world shrunk, where the grand ideas I had were never going to happen and as failures mounted and friendships dissolved I found myself wading in a pool of shame and self-doubt that nearly drowned me. I didn’t believe but I put on a good face to pretend that my life was great when it was really a life of no meaning, no connection and no hope.
I would give anything to let go of the emptiness but it becomes who you are after it has enveloped all aspects of your life. Loneliness is a not a stabbing pain it is a dull ache that you feel with every movement.
It doesn’t prevent you from doing anything but you feel it in everything you do and as it worsens it constricts what you are able to do until your full range of action has been reduced to a crawl. I write about it a lot, it forms my way to hold back the flood so I don’t drown.
Travel has taught me about connecting with people but put a mirror to how I keep myself isolated. I stay the wolf at the edge of the pack, always keeps to himself and never fully engages. Who stays active enough so no one takes notice and no one remembers.
You become numb to the emotions, you play your role and keep yourself armored against feeling anything. This means you don’t have friends or relationships.
You live in a world where you don’t matter maybe you never did, where the only memory left of you will be a face in a crowd which will fade just as quickly.
You don’t need sympathy or sorrow you just go on hoping that you can find meaning even if it is only in words that no one reads. It doesn’t matter all that does is that you give them the space to breath and maybe that’s enough.