So this morning I had a person who I met a few days ago question my integrity. They had come to where I was so I could return the money from a bike which I gladly did. This person said I and someone else had lied about what bikes would cost, it had come up when I met this person and all I remember saying is that I’ve seen bikes being sold for around a certain price in Pai.
This person found they could find it for cheaper I had looked before when I bought my bike a year ago and I found a range of prices. When they came by to get their money she said something pretty simple but that they were open and I was reminded of something I’ve seen time and again while people describe their positive traits it can sometimes mean they are trying to validate it for themselves.
This person said we had lied and when I said whatever that it doesn’t matter she said I had no integrity. According to Google search’s definition of integrity is “the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness.”
I don’t think saying what I did means I had no integrity. Fundamentally it just didn’t matter and that maybe was callous of me to say but I felt whatever their view of me didn’t matter and I am pretty sure that riled them up because no one wants to feel irrelevant and I should have held my tongue but I had to say it just because of their tone which was dripping with judgement.
I’ve found that there are times when people say “I am [blank]” and in this case it was “I am so open” or something close to it they can also be the most judgmental. This person never said it but I could feel that they felt like they were better than not just me but a lot of people which didn’t sit well with me.
She said that I was showing how ugly I was and my thought was I am human we can be both good and bad, wondrous and ugly. I don’t know this person so I am not in a position to judge and having been on the receiving end of this judgement I will not take it lightly.
Look I have no doubt that this person is good but I don’t know them but I don’t like how they tried to paint me in a single hue, as if that one action was who I was. It wasn’t pretty and I could have, should have been more careful but I am just as flawed as every other person and for them to someone cast judgement on me for being honest even if it wasn’t all puppies and kittens was something I had to respond to.
Maybe it’s having been traveling for a while, maybe it’s been the muay thai, maybe it was my time in Toronto but I am not going to take people’s accusations about my character lightly. I talk a lot but when I talk about myself it isn’t usually about my strengths it is about my weakness, my failures, my lack of self-worth so I don’t need anyone else throwing their perceptions of who I am in my face I deal with them enough on my own as is.
So I wrote a quick email back to them telling them what I thought, it wasn’t inflammatory, hell it wasn’t even grammatically correct but it was what I felt and in this case I was going to have the last word on the matter, I can’t help that it’s the writer in me that needed to do it. I am free of what this person thinks, I hope they have a good time in Pai, I know I’ll end up seeing them around but I don’t need everyone to like me. It’s one of the issues I had before but you can’t be all things to all people and you shouldn’t have to be.
It doesn’t matter what a person says as long as you can see the truth in it and use it to become better. I will try to take what they said to me and try to approach things better but I will also never apologize for who I am, We judge people’s actions, all of us do but I have to remember and so do most of us is that we are full of nuance and that judgement can be sweeping without considering the whole of who we are.
It might have been my own fault for being honest and not thinking clearly about what I was about to say. I should have phrased it better, maybe never had sent it at all but I did so you just have to go from there but sometimes you need to be honest and by writing the final word on it, by calling them out on their own double standard of judgement I am free of it. Words can hurt, heal and make us feel, they are powerful both in good and bad ways depending on who is saying them and I had to call them on their baseless judgement of what type of person they think me to be and I will not apologize for it.
I will try to be more understanding, try not to rush to respond in the moment unless it is warranted and in this case it probably wasn’t but I hope they too learn how not to judge, how we are all flawed and that just being open doesn’t mean you can’t be as judgmental as the rest of us because we are all human after all, nothing more nothing less.
This tirade could be considered a judgement in itself but it’s more a commentary that I needed to express not for anyone else but for my own sake, so that I can find a way to go beyond the criticisms of others but more often it’s what I am telling myself so I can be a better in the future yet to focus than I am in this single moment. Sometimes we get worse before we can get better but sometimes it’s the small things, the snide comments, the judgement laden looks that we absorb consciously that can be the most damning and I am trying to purge that from who I wish to be.