As this is the beginning of a new year I am reminded of how much I don’t know about who I am. I remember the risks not taken, the relationships not pursued out of fear and self-loathing. I know that I have been able to open up a lot more than I thought I ever could but I still live in emptiness that is hard for most to understand.
You become a good liar to yourself as much as everyone else and that was a skill I honed in Toronto when I was scrambling for work but never found it. I am invisible because I keep to myself I use words as a way to feel.
This isn’t an article this is a self-exposition about who I can be and how hard it is to move forward to get to that person to make those mistakes when you feel you are doing it on your own.
I don’t think I am a bad guy, I am not the best, as flawed as anyone else yet I do not feel like a complete person, I don’t know what it means to be whole. I don’t know intimacy of a romantic nature because I shelter myself from the possibility. I believe that it doesn’t exist for a person like me.
I know that isn’t true but in the rawest form of who I am I just can’t escape its shadow on my soul. I’ve talked about it a lot, mostly in blog posts that no one will ever ready. They are a whisper among the noise that immediately disappears when given to the wind.
I will not start this year with a resolution but a hope that I can find a way to be open, to explore who I can be, to a chance on a girl even if there is nothing more scary than that for me. In comparison to a muay thai fight, the fight is easy but finding a way to break down the walls that surround me feels an impossibility after so long of being defined by my feeling of invisibility.
I was reminded of my invisibility when last night someone thought that the people I brought over where alone but they were with me and I don’t think they realized I was there or that I even lived there.
That is the summation of how I keep to myself, how I feel like the forgotten, a person that doesn’t matter who has made no waves, no ripples. That when all is said and done I will not be remembered, just a phantom in a memory which is as malleable as a piece of paper and just as easy to forget.
That is how I feel but what I hope against hope is that just by being here we can have an impact that goes beyond the obvious. I don’t have friends, I don’t let people know me because why would anyone care when all I feel is contempt for my cowardice about who I am.
I can live like this for another year of I can continue the change I’ve started just by doing the unexpected, by fighting and writing and that is the plan. I will write because I must and I will fight because I am passionate for the sport and how is has made me better.
My superpowers are consistency and words once I get into a rhythm I stick to it and words don’t come easy but they are the fire that fuels my imagination when there is nothing else.
So I will start the steps of seeding the universe I built on paper into the world, start with writing, putting it out there and getting feedback and seeing what happens from there. I commit to physical health via muay thai to test my limits and improve.
It’s that simple this year, I will do this while wandering the world, on the cheapest budget possible. I will take more risks and commit fully to their pursuit.