How Wandering Gave me a Reason to Believe Again


I’ve never been a risk taker in life, the one to go out to the edge and jump. That’s never been who I was and in my travels I’ve always stuck to the familiar because it is easy, its comfortable. It’s funny to stay that when I’ve been able to conquer my fear and get into the muay thai ring but that alone took me more than a year to get the courage to fight. It was an exhausting but amazing experience and has given me more of a reason to get out there and say go after what I want with humility and just a hint of swagger.

One of the things I’ve always wanted to do was just go travel to a random place and see what happens, don’t have a plan, no expectations just get out there and meet people. The only thing is to respect the people you meet and show them the same humility and generosity so many of others have shown you.

It is something that I want to do, need to do for myself. I am KL for the next few weeks and I go to the same places and do the same old thing. I am not one to seek adventure, never had been but saying that is almost a contradiction in terms because of those instances where I have taken the initiative and gone beyond my sense of normal.

Hell the most crazy thing I’ve done is fight, fight and fight again and it was painful. took me a long time to get to that point but it has been one of the best experiences I’ve ever had. I am weak, I am afraid of believing that I can and I am afraid of failing. These haunt my dreams and have kept me caged.

Here I am getting ready to move on from Asia (temporarily) and heading to New Zealand with no idea what is going to happen but I hope that I can believe that I do have value, that I can make something happen no matter what that something is.

So I promise myself here and now I will not give into my fear, or self loathing. That I am not defined by my past but will live in the now as I anticipate the future with no fear. I’ve always been a loner. I learned to keep people away because I didn’t think I had much to offer even if I intellectually knew that was a false dichotomy.

I am not the same person I was before I left, how can you be the same after traveling for years. I don’t know how that will transition when I return to the world of work or what that world will look like when I head to New Zealand. All I know is that I will succeed in my endeavors even if I lose some battles in the war.

I can guarantee you this, I will get into the ring again, I will fight again and win. I will go out there and explore, I will find it within me to just go somewhere I’ve never been just because I can and see what happens and no matter what happens I will come out the other side and if it goes to shit at least it will make an awesome story to tell.

There will never be a day where I am not thankful for the chance to be out here traveling, living and exploring everything that the world has to offer. Fear does not own me, it is the edge which keeps me me sharp, it is the weapon in my fight against self-doubt and self hate.

Nothing is impossible for me to achieve and if travel has taught me anything is that those things you fear are the ones you must do if you are evolve, learn and grow as an individual. So here I go again, soon off on a new adventure. I’ve often used my budget as an excuse to stay put but I am not going to allow myself that exit.

If there is something that I want to do I will find a way to make it happen, I will look at things differently and see if I can invest in myself be it buying things to sell somewhere else so I can continue the journey and I am not afraid of rejection. I will go after who I want with great respect but with the passion and fire of the fighter I am within.

I am not afraid of intimacy, that I have no worth because I am a great guy, flawed but a good heart, I am not an observer in my life I will manifest my reality because I take responsibility for my faults and failures and then let them go. They do not control me and I won’t let the past define my present and especially that future which you plan for but may never come.

In the last few years I became a traveler, a diver, an expat, a digital nomad on occasion and a fighter. I’ve found my super power is my discipline and consistency. I was never the fastest or the best but I am relentless in my pursuit and that is the fuel I use, will on going non stop and that is not a small thing that is a great one.

So I will not wait for the stars to align to do something I will make it happen, I will meet new people. I will be outgoing and will not care what people think of me for better or worse. I believe I can to do it, I just have to remember to cash it in every time I meet people or there’s a person I want to talk to something I want to do. I will never again not believe I can’t. That’s not to say I will always win but I will give everything I am to the pursuit of the goal, of the dream and by doing so no matter the outcome I will have already succeeded.

I will get the story written, become an author and fight again, count those as a matter of when and not if because they will inch my inch piece by piece. See you on the other side, my travels are not ending just transitioning to something else for a time before I begin again. Now it’s time to get the ball rolling on my New Zealand job hunt, does anyone need a writer or a wanderer?