Here I am sitting in an office at 4am cause I have no place to go. In some ways I am as pathetic as they get and in other ways I am so lucky to be able to come and go with such ease without worry and responsibility.
My parents ask when am I coming home every time we talk. They ask in so many words when will I stop wasting my life? I have no answer except that I know that I am not done yet.
When I left Canada I had faced years of failure of my own making. I was demoralized and tired of the sad pathetic nature of my life. I was afraid of being honest, of family giving me that look. You know it, the look you give to those who could have done something with there lives but who you just feel sorry for.
Everyone I am around is younger than me but I don’t feel old I feel like I have to own all the failure no matter what it was or why it happened. It’s not like I haven’t but I’ve been running for so long I don’t know how not to.
As someone who hasn’t been able to hold down a job I am always ready to move on. Here in Auckland I am doing work for a company called The Digital Squad NZ that does SEO. I haven’t jumped all in because I am cautious and my goals and priorities are very different.
It’s not that I wouldn’t stay or that they haven’t been kind but my immediate concern is a dwindling cash flow in the most expensive country in New Zealand.
I can learn a lot hear and spread my knowledge but the way the situation is, just isn’t sustainable for me. So while I continue to help and always will I’m going to have to balance my own goals with the company’s.
I keep myself on the outside because it allows a level of dissociation that I need for when the unlikely case of a job comes up that I have to take up. At this stage I have to put my efforts towards my own fiction universe and in finding a job that will fund my continued travels.
So I continue to look for work because I know that I can’t sustain this but I hope I can continue to write for the Digital Squad. It’s my fire, it is who I am even if I’m not so great. Even if I’ve fallen so many times, even if I am broken I know that it has made me stronger than I ever was.
I am responsible for my failures, I have to fall on my sword but each time I stand up, every time I dust myself and continue on I am better than I was before. So I will go on, I won’t give in to my frustration and I will work towards the story. I’ve written the foundations of my universe I call Rift World but its time to embark on the story within the world.
I think I will do serialized storytelling, maybe weekly or monthly. I have an ambitious and hard idea regarding the structure of the narrative. I will fall hard and often in making this world feel real but it is so time to get it going. If I don’t I’ll always regret not trying and to do that I have to embrace the unexpected and break the chains I have shackled to my soul.
The key is always you and that is the hardest one to unlock but let’s go and see how far I can go because I am not running away I am running towards the summit. I’ll start with a run, then a slow steady walk that goes up and will just go one step at a time along multiple routes but never diverting from the dream… to tell great stories, that make a world I created feel like it could be real.