It was raining yesterday and me and Pascal we’re at Times Square in Kuala Lumpur waiting for the rain to die down. We were just getting coffee and by then we had probably had this conversation a dozen times in the last 2 weeks but I’m a stubborn bastard and can rationalize almost anything.
He was frustrated with what he saw and I can’t blame the guy I personally thought he would have told me to just fuck of by then but he didn’t. I don’t have the confidence to approach the opposite sex. It’s just not something I do and have never done. I don’t date at all and have never felt I was worthy of any girl’s attention. I have no game and while I can talk to anyone going beyond that feels like a step to far without someone else putting a fucken gun to my head.
Really though not just in trying make connections with girls or whoever it’s just that I can’t seem to make an attempt out of fear. I hole up and have kept my own council but it’s time to try, fail and keep on trying even if it hurts even if it feels like I am a fool. I’ve never been physically confident or thought of myself as a sexual being and when you haven’t done that just interacting and risking rejection is so hard.
I don’t know how to go about it but I guess it’s just about not focusing on the fear of rejection but on connecting with people. I have to go into those situations not with the intention of getting something but just with having a good time and making sure they do too.
I have never thought I would be someone would find interesting let alone attractive and those are chains that have prevented me from getting into not only relationships but gaining friends as well.
In the depths of my soul my critical self says you are not worth it, you are a pathetic excuse for a person.your parents are right you are a failure. So I have to fight that self perception by realizing that if I could commit to training and fighting then I do have the courage to act to go up to a girl and talk to her no matter the outcome without feeling like failure would make me any less a man because it doesn’t.
I am never going to be perfect but I am a good person and that some girl will be lucky to have me. I am not going to ever be a yes man, I want to be challenged I want to do the same. I want to go beyond the surface details and want to listen to their stories, know what makes them think and who they are.
I don’t know how to pick up a girl but I don’t have a problem with talking to anyone girl o guy. My mate says I have to stay positive, move faster and not be afraid of breaking the boundary of their personal space. I don’t mean that in a sexual way especially not at first but you don’t want to keep it awkward and it’s probably one of the easiest ways to find out.
I’m so gonna fear that but I will still try and experiment. It doesn’t mean it will ever be easy because of the weight of rejection but at least I’ll know and won’t be put off from trying the next time.
This isn’t just about the girl for me it’s about realizing that I am just as worthy of connection and or intimacy as anyone else. I crave that feeling of intimacy not just physical but emotional even though it isn’t something I have known I believe I will I just have to try and not be dissuaded by my failures. So that’s the goal, the hope and what I will do.
If I have the balls to train and fight how can I not have the balls to just try and make those connections. My friend said don’t be a sheep and that doesn’t mean I won’t wear my heart on my sleeve or do it if it isn’t sincere but it will mean I have to be the wolf and go after what I feel, to try, learn fail and improve and find those people that I can connect with.
No matter what I believe in the possibility but I can’t just believe it is time to be aware and to act, to try, to grow into a more complete person that is worthy of intimacy and love as every other person out there. I have grasp it and when I find that special person, to hold it close and use it to make me better as I will do the same for them.
To do it I’ll probably need help (a kick ass wingman), a fucken ton of it and people to force me outside my comfort zone but for the first time every I am gonna try, I am going fail but eventually I will succeed at making those connections and the fireworks they come from them even if that’s only for a moment, it’s a start for me and the only way I’ll grow as a person worth knowing and one day worth caring about.