Every day I wonder what story I should write and what should I say. For years I kept to myself to keep myself from being put in a position where people would give a damn. I liked being invisible because it was easy, it made it feeling forgotten easier and made it so I didn’ve have to try.
Now I have to face the reality that I can’t life anymore. I am so used to keeping to myself that is has become a prison. I lived the contradiction of desperately wanting friends while doing nothing to cultivate them because I didn’t believe I was worth them.
I developed a cheapness that allowed me to live in Toronto even though I struggled to find work. Those struggles helped me to be budget consious for the most part while traveling which has served me well but has probably prevented me from enjoying my time the way so many other travelers do.
I am not traveling for a fixed time, I’ve been focused on keeping it going as long as I could and although the focus has changed from traveling as long as I can to growing as a person I can’t return to Canada because there is nothing for me career wise in that world. I miss my family a ton but if I return without preparing my way then that will be a mistake.
The path is not a normal one defined by a life where you get married, have a normal job, a house and have 2.5 kids. I don’t know what my life is going to look like a few years from now but it will not be anything like what it is now and I will have to fight for a way to make my dreams a reality.
I am not settled into any place I am looking to change who I am by setting goals, be it to grow my confidence, my fighting capabilities and social skills just trying to approach the opposite sex. This means doing all the things I fear like being social, going out instead of staying home and approaching girls I am interested in not for anything less than to have a good time.
I think to much and it gets the better of me, that’s why I like meditation because there are times when you can quiet your negative self which dominates my psychie and just live in the moment. I told my friend when I ask myself if I should go out I’ll ask what would he do and if I know in my heart that I would stay away then I need to go out and do it because that’s the only way I’ll grow, by biting the bullet, get rejected but never stop trying.
I am not even there yet because I just don’t try for fear of rejection. That is over, that has to be done. I can do it, I can connect, I don’t have to be a ghost because I’m not. I am the predator be it a lion among the gazelles ior a wolf among the sheep, I will not be forgotten and they will know that I was here.
I will focus on training to fight, writing stories and gaining the confidence to be the man. I have waited too long and there is no time to loose. I am scared, I’m gonna need someone to push me over the edge so I do jump in and in those moments when you leap are when you feel alive.
I’m looking forward to that feeling, the the leap where you can be in the moment and evolve who you are in that moment and if you are lucky all others from there. I can never forget the past or the time I wasted but it has made me stronger and I will remember its lessons while not being bound by the regret, only by forgiving myself and being open to change can I become that better version of myself.