There is a day I remember, when I was in India when I was missing the familiarity of home that I wondered is this what my life is, seeing wonders and cultures but doing it on my own. That was not a good day and it still hasn’t really changed.
I walk a great path but I walk it alone, accompanied by no one but my darkened shadow. That is my own fault because I do not trust, I crave engagement but have no confidence to push past my fear.
I write this down not to be written but so I know, so I can release what I usually bottle up inside otherwise it will become poison to my soul and that I can’t allow. It’s already done too much damage and I have to try to fix what I can.
I haven’t had friends for a long time, I am funadmentally a loner. I keep to myself and am always on the outside looking in. It’s not that I am not social but I have my guard up. I never wanted people to care or notice me in some ways but it is also the contradiction and what I craved most was to belong, to not have to walk alone all the time.
My parents and extended family are great but they don’t know me, I can’t tell them anything and to my parents I will always be a child and never an adult. It really fucked with my sense of self and my ability to feel like I could stand up against the chaos.
I ran as far as I could first to Toronto and then to the other side of the world to get away from expectations and the weight of my own failures which are too many to count. So in 4 and a half years who am I now? I know what I want, I know what i need, I have a better idea of who I can be at my best and how far I am from those goals.
I always imagine death because for me as a type 1 diabetic I’ve faced the reaper many times and fuck him if he thinks he will decide how I go into the next world. For me it would be so easy to inject every drop of insulin I have, take a sleeping pill and just have this pathetic life be over.
I’ve been close a few times to the moment but its those you love, that pull you back and wins over the self hate. It’s funny what keeps me alive is just as likely to end it and I know that better than anyone possibly could understand.
I can’t take the easy way out, it is a selfish thing to do to the few people that would give a damn. I could probably name only a single person that would care outside my immediate family.
This is what negativity does, it diminishes who you are and weakens your ability to see beyond the shadows that you cast. Even though if there is a shadow that must mean there is also a source of light.
I am mostly negative towards myself because I have failed so many times and have had to lie and dodge and weave around family, expecations and the weight of conformity to the norms.
I don’t walk alone, intellectually I know that, my family is great, the friend I have, saved me more than once but I feel so fucken empty. I am a shell, I lack the capacity to see wonder because all I see is shame.
That is my fight, the one I have to fight against every day in training, when I’m on my own, in social situations and so on. I don’t want that to be who I am. I have come to appreciate the belief in reincarnation, that we will come back and to end it would be extinguish this life without experiencing everything it has to offer because if I were to end it I wouldn’t deserve to return at all and I can’t and won’t do that.
So I let go of myself, I leave my hate to wander, leave my shame to fade and use my lonliness as a reminder of how precious the people that care are so that when they need you I will be there.
I do have confidence, I do have joy and I am capable of connections so its time to find the peace within myself so I can start living life. That is what I have to do, it makes the muay thai fight seem easy in comparision.
No matter who I fight I am ultimately battling what I believe, so here right now I believe I can that no matter my physical weakness be it diabeties or vision I can withstand any assult because I have done it before and I can do it again.
We all have demons to slay, we are all racing the clock but once you let go you are free to be your true self. I know the elements of who I can be but I’ve never seen what happens when I put them together… I think it’s time to find out, to not fear rejection, to believe I can write that story only I can and not just live but thrive because of the challenge not in spite of it because they forged me to be a better man, one that sees possibility not roadblocks and goes after what he wants with a touch of swagger.