I’ve been beating this drum for the last few years, stay in a place, spend as little as possible, find something anything to keep busy and then get out. The only real change I had was when I was living and working in New Zealand and that didn’t end well for me with a crappy boss and a company that was trying to get me out.
With that job I was able to save enough funds to last me the next 2 or so years if I am careful. So I can’t continue what I was doing for a little while but in the longer run it isn’t viable.
I am not going to go back to Canada because although I miss my family there is nothing for me there at the moment in terms of work. I would have to start over and while I have to do that anyway at some poing I have to deal with my issues and my goals before I could ever return and you never know I may never return to Canada as anything more than a visitor, who knows what the future holds..
So the only choice I have is to get down to finding a story in the universe I’ve created and start putting it out there. I have to stop letting my fears control my life. I talk about that shit a lot in these posts because these are for me to clear my head. I write to release, I always have.
Then my dad showed my mom one of my more revealing ones which was fine. Its not something I talked to them about when they asked why I thought the way I did because it wasn’t relevant, that wasn’t going to change anything because these are my demons and we have never had that type of relationship and while I love my family I don’t see that relationship radically changing and I made peace with that more than a decade ago.
So the best thing for me to do is focus on my missions and I have several that I haven’t made minimal headway for awhile because I’ve been so fucked up. Look we all have our problems and no one comes out of life unscarred. We all get smacked, slammed and knifed by reality at some point.
I haven’t been dealing with it as much as I have been doing everything I can to avoid it. Taking to my friend and a few others has made me realize how debilitating it has been for my own personal development. It’s not that I am the same person that I was when I started traveling cause how could I be but I have not tackled the big issues head on.
Which come down for me is trust, relationships and confidence. Those are the three pillars that fuel my rage and my self hate. They have brought me to the edge more than once and no one can climb out of this hole I’ve dug for myself except me.
When I got back to Pai I noticed how much had changed and how much as not and it was a good feeling to be back. Although 10 days of muay thai have taken their toll, it hasn’t been in a bad way it has ignited my drive to get back in the ring, to toughen up and take the pain.
I told the Bee that I would fight whenever he asked, I basically took the decision out of my own hands because I decided no matter when be it tomorrow, 2 weeks from now of 3 I would say yes. That isn’t too different from how I left Pai last time because it continues what I was doing when I finished my time here the first time.
I am not fighting a person I am fighting myself, my ability to run every morning and to push myself and focus on each moment when at the gym. It’s hard because I’ve been away from muay thai for so long but damn if I am not going to try, because I can’t not, that would be a failure.
I did it that way because I wanted to have no choice but to jump because if I am given a way to escape I would take it and I don’t want to do that. I want, no need to face my fears my hate, my shame, my insecurities and get through it no matter what happens because letting this remain as it would destroy my ability to be my best self.
So I was listening to something that was related to the game and they talked about attention, indifference and mission. Well I don’t have one mission I have three that are my passions that fuel the reason for my existence and they are to write and fight.
That’s it but in addition to improve, to find a way to approach anyone and feel confident, so I can take the initiative and see what happens. Confidence ain’t easy for me. So I am trying to listen to courses, read and just apply these lessons when and where I can.
I am trying to be less negative, to start the day with what I am grateful for and begin the process of cultivating self belief for whatever that’s worth. So here’s to the focus on my upcoming fight, the words needed to tell the story and not being afraid to make mistakes and be genuine and hopeful.