I am fighting today? I can’t believe I am getting into the ring with just 4 weeks of training, having not really trained consistently since I left Charn Chai Muay Thai the first time. I remember the first time I fought, how long it took me just to say yes but when it did happen I knew I could at least compete.
Funny enough this fight in a lot of ways is similar to my last one which was also in Chiang Mai. Within a week of getting back to Charn Chai Muay Thai they asked me if I wanted to fight and of course being the idiot I am said yes.
Am I ready? Not as ready as I could be as I’ve been just trying to hone my rusty muay thai skills back into fighting form. I’ve been training but it took time to get back into the groove and for my body to remember. I can’t kick as high as I used to but running every day since I returned to the gym makes me confidence I can go the distance with enough in the tank to last.
Sometimes you are ready, other times you aren’t, sometimes you just have to go with what you have and be ready to take on the mountain and in this case less a summit and for me like the Game of Throne’s the mountain except they will be Thai and have shins of steel.
I usually write before one of these things to ease my way into the moment when the ram muay begins and the battle is on. So here it is:
I go into this with no expectations, with no needs or wants. I give myself to the ring and have it be everything I am in that moment. May what I have learned over the last 3 years make me a worthy advasary for my opponent. I am calm in the face of this organized violence.
I am afraid but I have no fear, I don’t believe but I know that I can and that is the contradition that I face not just here but every day. I will not fuel my fight with rage but with focus, determination and conviction.
Knowing myself I lack in belief that I can, that I am not a fighter like others are or have been. I am used to pain, I live in it and it is probably why I can take a beating and still carry on despite the fact that I should have quit a long time ago.
As a person I am a quitter, I am a failure, I am a fraud who has failed more than I have succeeded and that should make me unworthy of your time and respect but the decent is why I appreciate the rise.
I stand before the crowd to prove to myself that no matter how broken, how scare, how flawed I am that I can still stripe all the darkness away to leave only the single flame to shine as bring as the sun even if it is only for 15 minutes.
The results do no matter, the only thing that does is leaving everything I am in that ring. To never stop, to get up when I am hit, to take each hit and return it in kind not out of fear but out of respect for the both of us that have decided to make the ring our canvas and our limbs the brush.
I give myself to feel when one movement flows into the other, effortlessly. I give myself to seeing a chance and being able to react to take advantage of it. I give myself to openings they create, to stand firm and recover and to be good enough to stand with them in their ring.
I am nothing, I am a phantom in the art of muay thai, I will never be a fighter in my own eyes but if that is a name that another can call me than that is worth more than a name I can ever give myself.
I will stay humble in the face of fear, I will remain resiliant in spite of my doubts and I will do everything I can to find the heart to never give up. If I can do that not just in the ring but in my life each day then no matter what I win and that’s the only win I need.
So I don’t need to win but I will do everything in my power to bring one home for Charn Chai Muay Thai, that’s all I can do and I will get into this battle with a smile on my face and joy in my heart for getting the chance to prove my worth in this 15 minute war.