I am back in Pai for a bit and it’s probably time to appreciate the time I have cause although I am not sure at the moment what will happen I think if I can get 10 to 12 fights under my belt I will call it a day in the ring.
Its not that I feel like I’m too old since I don’t know how that feels but that I have to put my focus on other things and start exploring again. So far I’ve been doing muay thai for a few years off and on but if I can get 3 to 5 more fights in I probably won’t come back to Thailand for awhile not because I don’t love it but because the rest of the world becons and what I can learn in new places.
I love doing it but also I’ve been thinking about ending the fighting side of it for awhile, not yet but I am in the middle and can see the end is closer than the beginning. Something just clicked the other day that my focus must shift to the story instead of the kicking.
I will always train but I don’t believe I have to prove what I can do to anyone, even myself because I’ve been there and done that. Muay Thai has given me the intangable, a belief that I can, even when everyone says no that it is possible.
It was never easy and it still isn’t, I have to train twice as long to get half as good as the other people but no matter how long it took I got there. It hasn’t been easy and I got comfortable doing it, I have reached a ceiling and would have to train privately to really get to the next level and I just don’t have the money for that at the moment and I can’t see that changing any time soon.
It feels like I am getting ready to say goodbye but if I want to have the capability to travel like I have been I need to focus on what I want to do much more than I have. Eventually the writing will have to take the priorty compared to the muay thai, not that I still won’t train or fight but I have to choose soon… but not today even if I know what the answer will be today that doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind later on.
When I first started at Charn Chai Muay Thai in Pai I never thought I could fight once let alone more than once. I didn’t think I would ever improve and now I can’t continue the way I have if I am staying at the same level.
Training down in Phuket was great because it offered a different perspective and that even though it was on the other side of the country it felt like I was home, not exactly the same but close enough that think I may want to fight down there before I move on to the next challenge.
Right now I know I am burning too much cash, that I can’t realistically continue training more than a few more months and that I will only train if I can fight, if I can improve but that will require a whole new approach to what I do one that I have focus in on for the least amount of cost.
It’s sad for me in a lot of ways, it makes me think of all the joy from the pain and exhaustion muay thai has caused. I never though I would or could be physically confident, that’s what i have been given, its given me a new skill, I may not be that good but I know I can at least compete, that I’m not afraid to get in there and fight the good fight.
So the reason I say in the title the “end of the beginning” is maybe its time to refocus because I can see that the way I train now has to change, that I have hit the ceiling and doing the same thing isn’t going to work out for me in the long run but I don’t have anyone else to go to, I can’t afford to do privates or anything so I will have to train as much for tactics, footwork and endurance as I will for anything else.
I don’t know what to do, if I’m honest but I’ll know soon and that will be my immediate goal, to get ready for a fight even if I can barely see, if I am not ready and always worrying about my diabetes I won’t let that stop me from getting to where I need to be.
So muay thai I’ll always be thankful for you, I’ll always go out there and kick and punch and fight but sometime soon my focus will have to ship to the story I have to tell because it burns and I know that is how I will be able to continue my journey.