Restarting the Journey

20181119-101424

This is my last full day in Pai for the next little while, I love the place but it is time to move back into the great unknown. I have become to comfortable here and when I came back this time around I realized that I couldn’t do what I did before.

I wanted to train and fight again and I will but realized after running the numbers I just couldn’t justify it this go around. It means that the last few weeks I’ve kept to myself thinking and being as anti-social as I could be instead of getting out there but I’ve never been that kind of guy in the first place.

I have concepts for a story structure that I want to explore but have been too afraid to do it, I’ve been paralyzed by indecision and sat thinking instead of doing. I can’t keep being this person, someone who lets doubt and fear dominate my being when I know I can rise beyond it.

If there is anything doing muay thai taught me is that I have fought in spite of my fear and was better for it and if I can do that once I can do it again. I have to put everything else aside and focus on the story, to be open to what it could and will be, to believe that it exists even I am still yet to find it and write the hell out of it while also learning and growing beyond my current self.

I wanted to do NANOWIMO aka National Novel Writing Month but got weeks of hay fever that kept me with a runny nose and in bed so I didn’t get started. I feel like life is telling to get out of here, that maybe I need to get out to find the inspiration to be creative and take those grand risks and share whatever that story turns out to be.

Just now I took a break from writing and ended up walking 7 km, which took me a few hours but it was a reminder of what I had done, who I am today versus who I was when I first arrived here.

I have so far to go but what I have done here, who I was able to become at my best has helped me to be able to shed my fear and find my fire to get to the other side. I will be back, to fight, to win but to do it in charge of my life after I have done a different summit.

I have to stop wishing and just start walking the walk. I must start to write even if I don’t know what to write, it’s about having the tenacity¬†to go even if the path is not yet clear, you have to believe that if you dream it, if your mind sees it some way you will be able to manifest that which you seek into your live.

Originally I was going to take it slow, to take my time but I’ve already taken too much time as is and I have nothing to show for it. I know this is my path, there is no other way, no safety net in place. It is writing this story and telling this tale that matters.

It becomes about setting deadlines, of not being afraid to make mistakes but being able to fail fast and recover even faster. It is about going into the deep end where you can’t see the bottom and just doing for it.

Talk is easy, actually putting thoughts into action is hard because your life seeks stability, going into new directions, getting uncomfortable sets of alarms in your unconsious mind but you have to do it, because you learn the best when you go into the unknown and believe you can.

So that is my path, the oath I take in my life to go into the story, to live in my world and give it form. There is no other path than that.