Dazed, not confused but keeping my head above water

How do I find a job when I’ve been out of one for years? It’s probably one of the most pressing questions that I face as I look to go back to Canada at some point in the future. Who in their right mind would hire someone whose been largely out of the work force for more than half a decade?

I’ve seen a lot of people who blog or vblog, some run their own online businesses, who are digital nomads wandering place to place. I’m not one of those people partly because I don’t have any special kind of skills. I could tell you everything I am not but that discounts who I am and I’ve done that way too much already to keep on wasting time.

Most people are their own worst critic, myself and yourself included. We don’t start out life that way. Like a weathered building that was once sky blue or a bright red, that you would stop and and notice when it was new, life can grind us down before we know it.

On one hand I am running away from a life that is long gone but it is time to see myself running towards something new even if I don’t know what form it will take. I just get easily distracted because I am always moving.

I can’t decide where to go conceptually within the context of the world I’ve already created. I’ve said to myself over and over again that it doesn’t matter what I write, all that matters is that I do write and I always end up a few paragraphs in before I crash silently into the wall.

Anyone who says writing is easy doesn’t know what they are talking about. As soon as you dig into it, you realize how many different elements compose a story. It doesn’t matter if you are reporting the news, doing fiction, it is about a narrative that connects with people.

I don’t know quite how to get there, I have hundreds of pages of possibilities, built on rules, that probably make no sense to anyone but me. I can’t just let it sit, I am always thinking about a story but then I give up because decision paralysis is squeezing me as if it were a Cobra, with its fangs having poisoned me as I feel it tightening its grip so it can swallow me hole.

The thing is that is my perception and it doesn’t have to be my reality, each of us can find a way out and while it will never be easy it will always be worth trying.

I’ve tried again and again but I know I am holding myself back from really diving into it. It has to become my religion. In some ways it already is but I have to level up my game and go to church every day so I can find one of the stories I was meant to tell even if it is only to me.

I have to stop talking and writing about writing and just write something, anything. It is my own doubts that erode the belief in myself, that I can. I have to believe it, to make it become more than just words in the digital cloud.

It is the only way and where I need to go, I’ve been so fortunate to travel and it is time to take those stories and experiences as fuel for my create flame. I don’t know how to do it but I must pray to the alter of the story, learn how stories come to be so it will inform me as I create my own.

It doesn’t have to be perfect, maybe it will be good or maybe it will not but I have to at least try.