The Empty

Love comes in so many forms, it is a symphony and dynamic, can be fleeting, enduring and joyous as much as it can be full of pain.

It is part of the human condition but for romantic love, for the spark that makes you feel like what was incomplete could now be complete so that it grows into something new is not something that I have ever seen or felt.

If you are not open to it how can you recognize it, if you isolate yourself how can you feel that connection. Not just the romantic love but for connection from friends and more.

I know nothing, I am a memory of something waiting to mean anything because my ego says I am not. My ego keeps me in shame of the time wasted, of dreams broken, of friends never had as someone who doesn’t matter.

To fight that is to fight the very image of myself, to break it down and find the heart that deserves to be who he is, who doesn’t have to hide in the dark, to bask in the warmth instead of isolating the warmth away until if fades into an echo of what you can never actually have.

You learn to be numb, to feel nothing, the stay fractured because you can’t remember when you were ever whole.

It is easy to be lost, you get tired of being the disappointment but it also means you just get seen as “that person”.

You know pathetic, it is my home. I live in the filth of my emotions, unable to believe that I can return to find a live, because of the belief mine doesn’t matter anyway.

It is a waste of space, that to die is a gift because it will mean that my memory shall fade, to be where it belongs, forgotten as if I never lived at all.

No matter who you are of what you believe or who you have touched, who shall remember in 50 years or 100? Who cares, what does it matter when you can’t be anything but a burden, anything but a waste.

There has to be a way forward, a way to regain the joy, life is a gift but being stuck locked away is not the answer. How do you reprogram what has become your default, how do you gain the courage to be who you want to be, instead of just shielding yourself from what is possible?

Shall I continue to be numb until I break, until the frustration and pain break past my ability to not feel them.

I know intellectually that there are at least a few people that care but you discount them because to believe that you are not alone goes against the void that dominates your existence.

What happens when you can’t go back, what happens when you can only see one way forward? How do you face your own ugliness, your own joy, how do you balance them and live with them when all you feel is worthless?

Every so often I get to this point, the travel disguises it, it puts it off but eventually I fall back into my routine of being on my own, empty and cheap.

I have to find some way to change it, to get out of this spot and pick up the scattered pieces of my life and of my soul. I need to find a way to be honest with who I am deep down.

I have to rediscover who that is and relearn how to believe he is myself, that I can be the better me and turn the dream that I see to tell the story as not something that I can’t do but something that I can’t not do.