To find a release from fear so I can start to live

There are moments of humility when you go outside your version of normal. It’s when you see past the noise and feel what binds us together rather than just what separates us from each other. No matter how the cultures and situations we are born into differ the fundamental aspects we seek are the same. We seek joy, love, connection, family and meaning among the torrent of possibility available to us.

When I first left Canada I was disillusioned with my life, felt like a failure in almost every way possible from a lack of a career, job, friends and family I had and still have very little. I think you learn to numb yourself against those emotions and it’s not as if that eliminates the hurt and or stress but more like it allows you to stand against its onslaught even if it is just a reprieve.

I don’t have any insightful commentary on what to do with anything because I’ve always been afraid to pull the trigger on my writing. I’ve written about it to myself here because my website acts more as a journal than anything else. It’s not that I expect anyone to read this or anyone to care but it’s to whisper in the wind even if it’s drowned by all the noise it’s the very act of giving my thoughts even if they are repetitive, even if no one cares or will hear them the very act helps to ground the choice for me.

It helps me to frame that trigger, to realize it has always been up to me to pull it to see what I can do, if the ideas and concepts I have and have yet to visualize are worth pursuing. It is scary to put yourself out there, in any way but we all have to face reality and it is time for me to do the same.

I’ve always framed writing as an ideal but I’ve been unwilling to put in the work because I’ve never believed I could succeed. That is my demon, that is my personal Cerberus that guards the gate to my future, that represents the fears, shame and hate.

I’ve been on the same line for months, starting and stopping because I lack faith, the belief in the yet to be manifested. The only way to break the logjam is to begin and inch forward and have people call me out, to hold my feet to the fire so I have no choice but to push past the roadblocks that I have failed to face in the past.

I don’t write this for anyone but me. When I wrote this the last time it was posted to LinkedIn and someone there told me to stop posting because it was the same song and dance I’ve done before but for some of us you need to keep hitting yourself in the face over and over again to just start to believe that a maybe can be made real.

I don’t have a story but that’s an excuse I have to stop falling back on. It doesn’t matter I just have to experiment and start writing the characters and scenarios to find my footing and learn the craft. That is my only way forward, it’s the only thing that matters for me. It is time to stop pretending and start living the life that lives at the edge of dreams, that space you can see but may not be able to reach right now. I have to believe that it is not where I will be but where I am now even if reality says no I have to believe it is mine. If we are part of the same thoughts that was our creation then our dreams can be manifested into our reality. That is what I am going to repeat to myself every day as I walk not without fear but towards the goal to tell a story that will matter to someone, to tell a story that will change my life not because it is read by a lot of people but just because it was written.