Here I am in London, on the last day of this phase of my journey. I have a flight tomorrow from Gatwick to Toronto. The last time I was in Toronto was 6 and a half years ago. It’s been ages, I will not stay there but when I left Toronto last time I was frustrated, excited and nervous of what my life would look like a year let allow 6 years from then.
I could have never expected to travel for so long. I thought I’d be back in a year or two. I would have never imagined I’d be going in and out of countries and eventually go back to Thailand to do muay thai and fight.
It’s so weird to be going back to Canada after all this time, I don’t know what to expect or what will happen. I don’t have many friends back home anymore. I long ago lost touch with most people in Windsor. I also kept to myself while in Toronto because of a lack of faith, because of my own personal shame about my failure.
Today I want to wear my faults, my mistakes and my errors as scars on the road of life. They are only to be regretted if you didn’t learn from them. Sometimes that means for us stubborn people we have to make the mistake over and over again.
Home is not a place it is a feeling, it is knowing a place, knowing the beats of it, the familiarity of how it works even if the shops, people and ambiance change which they will but the heart is usually there even if it comes in a different form and you have to hunt to find it.
I can’t say I’m not worried about going back but it will be good to reconnect to family and maybe make new friends after being disconnected from that reality for so long. On social media my life must look amazing, new cities every few days or weeks, exotic foods and stellar sights but that is just what you show, what people don’t see is the struggles.
Sometimes its deciding where you can afford to go, getting transport in and out, lugging your backpack around, getting robbed or taken advantage of. My problem is I’m a lone wolf, I tend to keep to myself and try to get lost. I’ve never been out but I am also no quiet. We as humans are that contradiction.
I am returning to the home of my youth, while most of my high school and University friends are married with kids I remain single and untethered from that type of life but it is no longer a life I seek. My goals are different, who I am is radically altered from when I first stepped on the ground in Thailand all those years ago.
I have been afraid to put all my chips on the board, to will myself to the goal because of my past, because of the failures I had when looking for work when the only answer I received was “NO”. I will not work for others at least not in the long-term, short-term project based or contract sure but I have to focus on my goal to tell the story even if it means I fail.
I seek the story that will change my life, redefine my limitations and allow myself to share stories that can inform, educate and if I am lucky entertain. There is no going back to wanting what I did back when I was living in Toronto, struggling to find work in advertising to start, they trying and failing to create a crack in the startup community and now wandering about to see and experience the world.
All I can do is learn, grow and hope to impact others in some small way that matters. When I pass from this plane of existence, I just hope I will have made a difference to at least one person. That maybe something I wrote or a conversation we had mattered and helped them. If I can look back and that is what happens that is good enough for me.
I will aim high, I will reach farther than what most people think is possible and fail even more than I have already but while the goal is what you aim for it will always be the path that you remember, the struggles that you had to and have to face that make that moment of achievement worthwhile.
I have to remember its not the goal, it is how you had to grow to achieve it that is the difference. One goal will be replaced by another and another but if you take what you learned, no matter if you succeed or not then you are on your way. If you can take all the falls and become resilient, nearly bulletproof to whatever the universe has to throw at you then no problem will be to big for your will to fight and overcome.
So I write this for all of us who have failed so many times and are still failing, keep at it, never be satisfied and but every ounce of will into your dreams but remember it is the struggle that will make the achievement all the more meaningful. I write this for those who have been lost, you are not lost you are only finding your way and enjoy the ride while you are on it because it will not last forever. The pain doesn’t last forever, neither does the joy but the lens from which you see the world will tint the way you see the world, so see struggles as learning opportunities, see setbacks as things to overcome and bask in the wins before you get back at it all the while never forgetting to live in the moment.
Don’t be so focused on tomorrow you forget about living for today, don’t look back at your past so much that you are imprisoned by its grasp. Live your best life right here and now. Prepare for tomorrow but live for today.
I have loved every minute of this journey and even though I see Windsor as the home of my youth my home of today can be anywhere and that is something I have and still continue to learn to embrace but I have no regrets and will live my life going after stories yet to be told because there is nothing else I can imagine than that.
To all the wanderers, to every muay thai fighter, to all the struggling writing prepping for another NaNoWiMo, to those who have no idea how to make enough money, to the English teachers, moms and dads and everyone who seeks to live outside the 9 to 5, let’s get this party started.
This is a pause for me, I will use this time to reset and refocus for my own goals while preparing to tackle South America in the new year. If anyone has any suggestions on what to do where to go let me know. I made my friend a promise to write something or I owe him $$ and for him to do the same, I know he will get there but before I would have doubted I would.
Well fuck that I am gonna do it, find a story to tell and tell it to evolve as a writer and help grow a universe so that it exists beyond my mind. Enjoy every second of the, the highs and the lows because you can only recognize the thrill if there is risk.
That is life, don’t live in fear or risks or the unknown embrace them to grow and evolve. You are only stuck if you believe you are. Live confidently, humbly, be kind, generous and hopeful in spite of the shit that life with throw in your face, clean it up, make it shine and keep on going. Now on with the show.