I am a fucken mess of a person, no career, few friends if any and I keep everyone at arm’s length. That is pure self-hate. I’m the black sheep, friends and family won’t say what they think but they don’t have say anything at all because I can feel it, well enough. I’m a loser, a failure, so much potential that didn’t go anywhere. I can see it in their faces. Just in May we had relatives come from overseas. I don’t interact with my family much because I wasn’t on this side of the world.
A cousin was there and I was in the next room being my normal loner self. I don’t have anything to be proud of and I don’t want to justify myself to people who don’t know anything about me. She was saying to my sibling of how he had turned things around for himself, that he was the good one. I know what that makes me and so I left that get together. It’s fine, I just left, didn’t say goodbye just quietly slipped out of there.
I feel so fundamental alone, that even in a crowd I am apart. That’s on my because I wear my shame and self-hatred like in inescapable cloak. When the sun shines the contrast shows my shame. I had a family member try and insult me; thing is I hate myself so much more than anything this person has to say. I also didn’t say it but I know how throw it back right at them. I didn’t because that would serve no purpose so I left. Even if they don’t recognize they are no different, this person would know it’s the truth and that’s why it would hurt.
I didn’t push it; I just got the hell out of there and now I write a journey like entry. My mom is gone and she never saw me successful and my goal is to find my way to a little success even if it’s just for myself. That is enough. I have no need to justify myself or what I want to do to anyone. I need to get started ASAP but also just let go of my fucken fear.
I don’t want to be where I am right now. It is driving me nuts and it will just lead to conflict. I am all those things that are said about me and more but I’m OK with it. If I listened to what everyone said I should do I’d just be like all of them, without the experiences that have defined my world view today.
I think too much and I don’t do enough becuase I’m so scared I’m not enough because that’s all I’ve ever felt. I’ve rarely ever had anyone that believed that I could, that maybe I have story worth all the struggles I’ve had just to get to this point.
I have a few people that might care beyond my family. Not many but it isn’t nothing even if it isn’t much sometimes that’s all you get. I don’t have a person to talk to, it’s just me. I don’t have anyone who is interested in my story ideas, cause why should anyone care. They wouldn’t and don’t. I only care because it came from me during a hard time. The genesis of the world I crafted takes a pinch of star trek and mixes it with the grounded nature of 4he expanse and I don’t know where to go with the world.
I gotta write even if sucks. I mean because it is going to suck it matters even less. How do I get out of this darkness. I don’t know, I have to try. I must learn to feel and just fucken take the big swings because what do I have to lose. Nothing, nothing at all. No one cares regardless so why should I worry about what anyone things about what I write or have to say. It’s fiction so you have situations that feel impossible, while keeping those instances grounded through the emotions that reflect the characters, both their external needs and their internal desires even if they can’t see it for themselves.
I am just writing this for me, no one will read it or care. It isn’t meant for that. This is just my little sounding board into a void that doesn’t know I exist, that’s already the story of my life, why would it stop anew. One of the only people that did care has already moved to the other side. That is just where I live and I need to get out of this hell. I don’t know how to get beyond the shame and hatred for myself. That’s the one thing I know for sure. I can’t continue being in this spot. I don’t think caring about what people think is the answer at least right now.
I will write daily, try and learn a little every day and maybe develop some skills for work if that ever becomes a possibility. I will believe that work is what defines us, it is simply what we need to do to make it in a world defined by money and things. When those are the things that you can’t take with you to the other side.
That’s it I’m done myself reflection and now I ride, just to be in the now instead of being stuck in my thoughts any longer.