My mom used to do journals for her thoughts, they usually were not really long maybe just a few sentences, but she did them from 1994 up to 2014. It makes me sad to think about because I bought her many of them, but I saw her last one and when I left to travel the world I think she lost the spark to write them any more. While she kept on writing them after I left in June 2013, the entries were so short after that. I think that she lost the motivation to write them anymore and it makes me so sad to think that she stopped and because of me. Maybe I’ll just take up the mantle and write not for my mom but inspired by her ability to write for so long. It might be online, but I think it will help me as I try to reestablish my own life from this point on.
My mom was quiet person, religious, with so much love and faith. The kind of faith that is rare and I wish I could have. There is so much good in faith and even religion, but you also must watch out for the extremes of it. I don’t know what I am doing with my own life. I’m scared and feel so alone, I am used to being alone, but I am also so sad and am trying to find a path for myself even if is really hard.
It’s hard to write about what’s happening to you and even if doing it digitally has advantages, there is something about writing it down in your own handwriting that feels more real. The way you write can say a lot, in a way that typography cannot. It is completely personal in a way that typing out on a screen isn’t. You can’t get the way you specifically write your F’s. A lot of what I would write would be redundant day to day but that isn’t necessarily bad just different.
My mom did it for so long and it makes my heart break thinking about it. I don’t want to read her journal, because its her thoughts. It’s what she was feeling and wanted to express in that very moment, and it feels wrong to read it even if I know it isn’t. It just makes me so sad that even when typing this I can’t help but cry because it is my mom, and I miss her so much.
I need to write to put pen to paper or words to a word processor for my mom but more importantly myself. To take what she has given me and make it worth it. I owe it to the life both my parents have given me to show that it was worth it, that a song will be sung that is worth singing. That maybe I can write something that will make something think or feel, even if just for a single moment.
This isn’t written for SEO but more a stream after my dad found her journals. I don’t care what anyone thinks about this or what it says, it is just a chance for me to feel and sit with my feelings as I figure out how to get started on my own life again. I can’t wait I just need to do.
This is for my mom:
Hi mom, dad took your rolling counter and saw all your journals from 1994 to 2014. It is both a blessing and so sad because you are no longer here. To know that from 20 years you wrote about your life from work, to when it ended and think of what you will say in your own handwriting makes me stop and think. Makes me scared to read but also, I don’t want to intrude on your private thoughts because they are yours alone. I know that your lost motivation to write, as the entries got shorter and shorter until you eventually stopped all together and I have a feeling that after I was gone, that was a contributing factor to why. We will never know why but I can’t look at your journals without feeling like I got punched in the gut again.
I miss you so much and I need to get my act together, I must stop being afraid of failing and just do what I want to do, as cheaply as humanly possible as I can. I need to do right by everything you have us, by your love and make sure I do right by your memory and everything you have done for us, not just in your life but in your passing.
Your journal is both so sad but also a gift to get insight and a reminder of what you were thinking in those moments. It will be a roller coaster because that is life. I am so sorry I am a failure, and I need to get beyond my self hatred and not waste the time I was given. I owe that to you and more than that to myself. I will always love and miss you mom, our guardian angel.