I dug the hole and its time to climb out

So every battle we face leaves scars some that are painfully visible and others that remain hidden from view. I can’t stay where I am because there is no future there just pain and sorry. Do I have to climb out of this deep deep hole by hand? Since it was created by me if …

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Falling off the Edge and Getting Back Up Stronger

I’m sitting here after having had the worst night in years and while I won’t go into my stupidity it made me realize that I want to live but I have to do it on my terms. I can’t let expectations be debilitating on who I am working to be. They have killed my ability …

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Facing the future with swagger

Facing the future also means not being trapped by your past and I have been running from mine for years. I’ve gotten used to being alone and independent and while it’s been great it is no longer enough. I can’t just stick to the same old routines and think that is going to somehow change …

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Waking up and starting to live

When you live in shame you are not really living you are surviving but not experiencing. I have been guilty of that for my entire adult life. I forgot what it meant to be alive, to enjoy going out or just talking to your friends. I have a great family but I am not close …

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I am grateful for…

My friend was writing down 50 things he was grateful for and since I’ve been in a bad spot mentally recently I thought I would steal it and see if it would do any good. I am grateful for: Having had friends I am grateful for my family Being able to travel For having th …

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Is it worth it or should it end

Every day I am reminded about how alone I am. I see everyone make connections while I remain an island, a barren wasteland so far removed from the rest of existance that I am at the edge of memory fading into the fog. I am but the dead man walking, just a waste of a …

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Both the Prisoner and the Guard

I am the guardian of my soul, the arbiter of my thoughts and reactions to the waves, the dips and valleys that life crashes upon my shore. I am alone in the dark, my soul is the prison of my mind, a single light among the more than 7 billion others. That might as well …

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Giving my hate a voice to find a way to be free of it

There are many moments I wish I was like everyone else, married with 2 kids, a good job, a nice house and great friends. I have none of those things and have never had them. I live life with an immature sense of self with respect to dating. I have no confidence and I don’t …

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Looking back at a year and change in New Zealand

There are a lot of people I know that think of New Zealand as a paradise and even though I primarily stayed in Auckland even in the short visits acorss the North island I can see why but you quickly become aware of the costs of such paradise which keep that feeling out of reach …

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Water Bottles Suck Use Drinking Water Machines Instead

One thing I miss about home is the simple ability to drink water from the tap. I’ve met alot of people that don’t like the taste of tap water and will buy bottled water instead. I’ve come to think of bottled water as evil because of all the plastic waste it generates. I’ve read that …

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