These are my last few days in Toronto, I’m leaving town not having found my footing but its freeing knowing that one road is over and a new one is upon me. I came to Toronto five years ago hoping to get a job and build a life. I got a job and moved but that crashed and burned pretty fast.
After that I spent months wandering, doing everything I could not to have to go back to Windsor. I did everything from door to door, to employment agencies working odd jobs and so on. I went to college for advertising and just as I finished the economy imploded I was left to wander. I found a job but that wouldn’t last and I spend 2 years in standby. Too unsure of myself to move forward.
I got the door slammed in my face more times that I can to remember, advertising was a bust, most of it was of my own doing and I just felt broken. I didn’t know what I wanted. This was when I started writing articles for a couple websites here and there. I pretended I had something when in reality it was a shell game. I played pretend, when it was just a front built on sand and its slipped away leaving a choice to stay or go and I choose go because I fear it.
I’ve written about startups and technology, in one way I wanted to be an entrepreneur but was more of a wantrepreneur, I had ideas but couldn’t commit the time or energy because I knew it wasn’t where I wanted to go. I had to stop being paralyzed by my fear (of my diabetes) and that is what travel is for me. A chance to live, instead of survive, to get uncomfortable and face the truth and remake my own reality.
People seek stability, having some semblance of normalcy, I sought that as much as anyone but you are your own worst enemy and I didn’t believe that I had the skill or ability to get my life together. I was afraid to fail but I’ve been doing that for a long time now, so why not just tackle the mountain not just climb the hill.
It doesn’t matter what you do, all that matters is that you try. You define your success, no else does. You can let society tell you what you should do or should be or you can make that choice yourself and choose to clear your own way through the noise.
I’m almost deaf from the echo chamber, of expectation from family, a feeling of shame that comes from the falls, a lack of confidence when I should have no reason to feel do down and out. Today though I can’t wait to lift the veil and confront the fog. You have to be smart, realize you’ll make epic mistakes and know the risks you’re taking.
I’m traveling alone to prove to myself that I can, I’m going to hunker down and write a novel, finish my script and see if that will be a new opening to enter. Maybe it won’t be but I believe, that if I want it, truly want it then I can make it happen. That if can see my future, get good advice and go at it full force then the only roadblock I truly face is the fear that paralyzes, and the self doubt that causes your confidence to crumble.
All I have is a few seeds for a story or two. I stopped looking for work because I did not believe in myself or my abilities. So travelling is about living life, the challenge and the triumph, finding the hope to overcome the fear. To gain an appreciation of where I come from, what my parents did and what I can still do.
That is the journey, I leave Toronto with a mission to give these stories form, to take them from the veil and bring them to existence and if someone can relate to it, then I consider that a win. Let’s go!