On the second of January 2015 after the fireworks are only an echo and the lanterns have all returned o Earth what shall I think about what is to be this year. It is unknown, can’t be known but let me give voice to my intentions or focuses.
I’m a pretty quiet guy, I keep everything from intentions, hopes and frustrations within and although it is not healthy to do it has been how I defend myself from pain. My contradiction is that I am both too open and too closed and I have yet to reconcile those elements.
So one intention is to get into the #muaythai ring which is a way is my way to conquer my physical fears, that I can’t do it because I have to believe that it is possible to surpass the limits I’ve self-imposed.
Another is to #writethestory of a world I’ve crafted out of the ether, I’ve been stuck afraid of what it could be and what it it can’t but I let that go, keep it in 2014 and I will write the story, not to prove I can but to change my life. To climb the writer’s mount, so I will express my soul in some way each day through the immense power of the word, those we speak to others, to ourselves and to the wind.
I will overcome my fear on intimacy, vulnerability and connection to find moments of passion and fire, even if they are for a moment. In my own understanding of the lone wolf I know it’s worth the effort and the pain. Connection from both friends, family and lovers is something that I’ve kept out of a fear that has caused me nothing but lonely days and nights and I know it’s not because I am not worth it but because I fear what it means and I can’t, I will not, that will not be my path today.
I shall not live in shame of what I am or am not. I’ve had the chance to travel across Asia, meet amazing people from around the world and do it from both great friends and lovers, both are needed but are things I keep outside.
This comes from a lack of self-worth that is not worth the time. You can’t go back but I can go forward with the intention of letting go of the past, the pain, the emptiness and living for the moment. To dedicating myself to being the best me, a confident one, worthy of connection, love and passion that I see all around me but that I seem immune from.
In some ways I need to regress from caring what people think to taking more chances to seeing risk as a friend not any enemy. Today is a day of contemplation, of setting the path with intentions, hopes and passion to see how far I can take to change, of what it means and how everything before me be it pain, challenge and opportunity is a chance to rise above and be better.
I seek this moment of understanding, that the hope will never vanish and that it will lead to possibilities that I cannot even comprehend. I intend to be the best me, to never be afraid of being me and to stand up for what I believe.
I seek to repay every moment of generosity sent my way and use my own experiences to tell stories that matter and to live a life that matters. We are what we think and I am a writer, I am working to be a fighter and I want to be worthy of every kindness given and to return it 5 fold.
Those are my intentions this year, for this moment, a moment I hope will not pass to resonate for the weeks and months to come. I hope they will echo into the wind, make a difference in what will come and set up an amazing 2015. It’s funny there are people outside my door laughing talking and all I can do is sit here and pour out my soul into the electronic ether, wanting to be noticed but hoping I am not. That is one battle in my war, one I will win each day as I climb the mountain.
This photo was from India near Pakistan when I was feeling like the only person in the world. I thought it was only fitting it go with this post as I say goodbye to who I was then and say hello to someone new.