Finding a Home for a Moment in Pai

2015-06-28 17.05.27

What is a home? I would say that it grounds you, is your private space, is shelter from the world outside. Home is the people you share your life with those that matter from your parents that would give anything for you to your brothers or sisters that know you in ways no one else ever will. It is a place that you want to create with your lover to build a home for both of you.

I say home isn’t just an address, a place, a person or people it is a feeling that you can be safe, that when you break it gives you the space you need to begin to heal. I remember being in Toronto but because of how I had to live it never felt like a home it was more like a prison.

As I’ve traveled I realized you have to be open-minded to see that any place you are can be a home of the moment. Since I’ve been in Pai I am not sure when it went from being a place you stopped by to explore to a home. It is close enough to Chiang Mai where you can take a break if need me. I’ve met such amazing people here from all around the world and there are those I barely talk to but you know them because you see then every day.

I am not sure what the future will hold, I know that this part of the ride is coming to an end within a few more months and that I’ll have to make the jump to the next destination and the next mission. The valley where Pai sits is pretty small, it is hard to get lost and there are always people around. The tourists come in waves no matter what time of year.

As you enter Pai it consists of just a few blocks, from the town you can see the White Buddha in the distance watching over. There are several waterfalls in the area, many hot springs to choose from and walking street appears at 5 pm and goes on till just past 10 pm. There are bars that will cater to your every whim and always people to meet.

In all the time I’ve been here I’ve kept to myself. I don’t go out that often, I’ve kept my own council out of habit. I don’t let the walls down I never have. I keep my distance and my place. I want to belong, I crave it in so many ways but I feel like an outsider everywhere and that is not because of the place but because I have still to destroy what has kept me safe.

I have to be open and willing to be┬áme without the fear of recrimination or hate. I am still searching for a way to do it but there is no better place than Pai where I can learn. So matter what anyone has to say, even if there were hard days, painful ones, and many empty ones this has been a place where I can see the start of something, someone new even if I’ll have to leave to make it true, it was all because of what I experienced and the people who helped me along the way. I realized if I could fight for it I could achieve it and I could change who I wanted to be from this point on and that is the mission for now on.

Sometimes I just write to write, I don’t have any other outlet but that for my analysis or thought, I use my site for that more than anything and it helps to keep me from looking to far back and getting trapped in what can’t be changed. So here I sit to write, so I can feel and release those thoughts into the wind. It has never mattered if no one reads it, all that matters is that my words are out there to be read, in the first place.