Sorry I am pouring the cup dry with this because I only have the words but no voice. The reason I write is because that is where it comes out the best, it is my way to release the knots even if it is just a temporary reprieve from the chaos.
No one needs to read this, that isn’t why it was written, it was sent out to help me find a way out and part of that can only be done by not hiding it. These words require no comment, no acknowledgement just understanding.
In some ways I wish I was like the rest of the people at the gym, going out more often, picking up when the sparks fly and being more outgoing instead I am indoors at my computer reading articles, consuming news and thinking about a direction for a story I am trying to write.
I’ve always kept to myself and in this life I lead now no matter how much it has changed me in this aspect I am no different than before I left Toronto. I just lock down and keep everything well beyond reach.
Right now it’s going to be to prep for my first muay thai fight (which is more a battle with myself than anything else), being to prepare for the next phase of this long journey (New Zealand I hope) and to give a universe I’ve been shepherding that is stuck on the page a physical form so that it can be uncovered and so that it can be something that changes my life.
I know the empty, I know the failure, I know what it means to get a hint of what is possible only to crash down to reality and be made to feel it was never possible. I know how to lie, to smile and laugh while you hide your reality because it has no value to anyone but you and that isn’t enough.
I do not know love, I do not let it close for I don’t have the joy to honour what it means how it matters. That is where I live, that is who I have been but that shall not be my future even if it is by the simple fact that I am trying and failing to break past.
I hope to free myself from my binds, to open the locked door that prevents me from living in hope and belief. I find I can give my thoughts words but no voice and in order for them to be heard I need to give them both of it has no power to escape into the wind and find others to impact.
To be free you must let go and embrace your faults not as negatives but as lessons to be learned and opportunities to grow. I need to be more open, generous and hopeful even when it is dark because I like so many are so blessed and that is an honour that must be repaid with the same spirit shown to me.