The Calm in the Chaos

2017-12-09 07.26.00

Do you remember being asked what you wanted to be when you grow up? When any choice was possible before reality took the infinite possibilities and made them small. As you grow up you have to get realistic, you are funneled down paths that are not always based on what you want but what’s expected from you.

That doesn’t happen to everyone but there is always that pressure to conform to those expectations. When you grow up you have to shelve all those possibilities and focus on what’s realistic, what will pay the bills and sometimes that’s exactly what some people are after.

I never knew what I wanted, who I was because I had no sense of who I could be. As I’ve matured and evolved I had to leave behind expectation behind so I could find out who I wanted to be.

Trust me I tried to find work in my field but that was a brutal crucible that destroyed my sense of self worth and it made me run half way across the world on the hunt for who I wanted to become. I could see all my cousins getting married and having kids meanwhile I was still lost, grasping at all those expectations and failing spectacularly.

When I left Canada I thought I would travel for a year or two not four or five. I made a promise to myself that I couldn’t return without figuring out who I was and who I wanted to be and doing everything within my power to turn that idea into reality.

It means so many things to me just as a person, to work on becoming a more complete human being and not living in the past or in people’s expectations. It meant I had to stop dreaming small, I have to dream big, I have to summit my K2.

I’ve been stuck at the start of that story for too long, I’ve created so much and the universe that I’ve crafted invades my dreams and that’s how I know that this is what I need to do. Not because it will be easy but because I want to see what I can create.

I’ve worked while traveling and although I enjoyed my time working I no longer want to rely on anyone for supporting my lifestyle. This requires a lot of sacrifices, it means I can’t do all the cool things people do traveling but that balance has meant I’ve been able to continuously travel for years instead of months.

In a lot of ways fighting is emblematic of this for me. It scares the hell out of me but I will still do it despite the risks. I’ve done it before but haven’t trained recently until I returned to Pai and almsot feels like I never left.

I don’t feel like I am fighting an opponent but that I am fighting my own lack of belief. The thought that I can’t when I know I can, that’s the struggle not just in the fight but my ability to believe I can craft a story worth telling.

I have to stop talking about what I want to do and just do it. Waiting isn’t an option and I can’t be afraid of failing because I will, how can you not. That’s how you learn. So my goal is to test my ability to craft a narrative with characters and make it interesting. On the fight my goal it to take everything I’ve been taught and see how far I can push my limits of pain, endurance and belief.

No matter what happens in either instance, just standing up and doing each is worth the effort alone. The story could be shit, it could be amazing, the fight might go 5 rounds or end in the first few seconds who knows but that state of not knowing and being calm in the face of the chaos is what I am learning to embrace.

So here it goes, every day new words for stories that only I can tell while also building my ability to think of myself as someone not afraid of the fight in the ring but also in life. Anything can happen in those 15 minutes for better or worse but I know I have the endurance and can endure the pain and can give it as good as I receive it.

That’s not just for this fight but for each goal I set, for each idea that I want to express and I know that this is the path I am meant to be own because I can’t see any other way forward that will help to reach a better, more confident and complete self.

Here it goes, to trying to tell my first story in a universe that I have yet to introduce and to the fight in Chiang Mai I am participating in, may I give my opponent a fight worth their training and my own. I will remain calm and focused for each mission and not fall to doubt but be empowered by where I have already been and the horizons that I see ahead.

By the end of the year I want to have a story out there for feedback and see if I can take it further and continue to develop physically to be  more confident guy in general capable of taking risks not just in life but in relationships for once.