My roommate confronted me after tensions rose beyond all sense of reason. She came to my room, knocked on my door, yelled at me then threw a water bottle at me. After I tried getting her out of my room for fear she may try to break my computer or something valuable she kicked me and grabbed my arm scratching me and trying to force me out of my room. I didn’t do anything back except get her hands off me and get her out of my room.
She said that I was pathetic, ugly and hated at the gym as if that would in any way hurt. I know words that hurt and for me those are better words than I tell myself, I think we are all way more brutal on ourselves than anyone ever could be. I know my weaknesses, my faults and I live with them every day. I can’t change who I am but I can stop getting walked over. I had put it out on Facebook just how unreasonable she has been, how I thought she was passive aggressive but this confrontation just reinforces how I feel, that is I don’t regret anything I said at all.
She called me pathetic because I happen to be abstinent at this point in my life. It wasn’t something planned but it is also something that I will not give up until I feel it in the right moment. Maybe that makes me pathetic in some eyes but it can also be seen as strength to resist the urges that drive us until that moment when you truly feel ready to be physically as well as emotionally naked. The truth is it lay somewhere in-between.
I never told this person this but she used it as a weapon against me but I have nothing to be ashamed off. I am not advocating that everyone stay that way until marriage but that only for me I will not fear labels or be bullied by people that have no understanding of where I am coming from. This person tried to strike a low blow but failed, it didn’t hurt because it isn’t something that I am ashamed off and no one should be. It just shows what a shallow person she was.
The thing is so could this person, just be confident in what you are doing and let go of what anyone else says. Her violent reaction lets me know I hit a nerve and while many think I should just keep it to myself, today I see that as condoning their behaviour and that shall not be something I will ever do. I think too many people are quiet and maybe I am not trying to save the world but I can start not giving a single cm in my life, that’s what this represents to me.
I was told I was acting childish, maybe I am, I can’t disagree but in comparison to her reaction I’ve been downright benign. It some ways it’s what I expected, I am not surprised at how blind this girl is. If nothing you can say is right, if they are always the victim, if they warp themselves into a frenzy then what else can I do but expose it. You know they will never listen, so why bother with a losing exercise. Yeah I get the brunt of her anger but that’s a small price to pay to expose what’s behind the mask even if it’s only to a few people.
She told me I suck at Muay Thai, well I agree but I’m trying not to. I am working on it every day I am at the gym and that is all I can do. She yelled “and you want to fight” and I said yes. That I have nothing to prove to anyone but myself. Just by getting into the ring I’ll have proven that I don’t have to be owned by fear. It’s not that I will never cower but that if I can get past that once then I can do it again. So it’s funny that nothing she said actually hurts because I know myself, my weaknesses and my strengths.
I didn’t realize until after she tried and failed to insult me that nothing she could say mattered, some of it is just opinion but overall I know what I am working on, it is hard, I fail a lot and I have a lot of problems but acceptance is part of the process that I’ve learned and has been worth each day I’ve been out here.
I can’t help but think about things with this girl cause we live with each other but I let any caring about what this person thinks about me go a while ago. It doesn’t matter, the threats are empty and reflect on her and not me. She took physical action no matter how slight on me that doesn’t diminish my actions that led her to this and I have no regrets but it removes the mask this girl puts on to the world.
I have not been the best roommate either and I’ll admit that. I could have made a better attempt at peace but instead I went full avoidance. I was threatened once on the second day by this person when they moved in and after that I knew she was worth nothing but trouble and not someone I wanted to associate with and with the 4 or 5 threats she’s given to me today, I give them the same credence. I took my concerns to the owners so they know where I am coming from and am taking precautions against the crazy but beyond that I regret nothing but I will not leave it to chance.
If a person like this isn’t called off they will continue to do what they are doing. I can’t change much but if I can let a few people know about the face behind the mask then I’ll have done the right thing, at least from my perspective. I can’t control what a girl like that thinks and it doesn’t matter, what I know is that for all my innumerable faults that I am taking action on them. If people hated me then I hope they wouldn’t say hello. Ugly, well that’s in the eye of the beholder and I may not be attractive to a lot of people but you don’t need a lot, all you need is one. Writing this is cathartic for me. It is a form of expression where I am most comfortable and I can look at the issue as much from the outside as much as from within.